


Luke Cage Shit

by oursisthefury



Series: Marvel Shit [3]
Category: Luke Cage (TV)
Genre: Gen, How do you even tag Bushmaster?, don't take this seriously, it's all weird
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-07-03
Updated: 2018-07-06
Packaged: 2019-06-01 18:35:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 25
Words: 3,453
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15149348
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/oursisthefury/pseuds/oursisthefury
Summary: Watched Luke Cage season 2 and cranked out some of these weird short stories again. We think they're funny and maybe you will too or maybe you won't.





	1. Bitch Slap

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Luke is just trying to help.

Luke and Shades are working together just as a gunman draws down on them. Luke slaps Shades out of the way of the bullets and the man hits the opposite wall with a painful sounding smack. While Luke takes down the gunman, a dazed Shades peels himself off of the wall. “What the fuck was that?!” he demands, sunglasses all askew. “Uh, that was me saving your ass.” Luke replies, a little gratitude would have been nice. “Saving my ass? You nearly put me through the wall!” Shades snaps. “Sorry, sometimes I don’t know my own strength.” Luke smirks while Shades seethes with anger.


	2. Bitch Slap 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Luke is petty.

Luke and Shades meet up with Danny to fight the bad guys. A gunman fires on Danny and Shades notices that Luke quickly, but gently, shoves Danny out of the way. When a gunman moves to fire at Shades, he tries to duck behind Luke as a shield but Luke sees and yells, “Shades, look out!” before he bitch slaps Shades across the room. 

After the gunman are dealt with, Danny and Luke congratulate one another just as Shades storms up. “How come you’re so gentle with him, huh?” Shades asks, angrily. “What do you mean?” Luke raises an eyebrow. “I saw you, you just eased him out of the way but when it comes to saving me, you send me flying.” Shades states. “Some people are so ungrateful.” Luke says and chooses to ignore Shades. “I’m always grateful for you, Luke.” Danny remarks in a lovesick sort of way. Shades stands in the background, looking disgusted.


	3. Luke, seriously?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It was seriously weird how Luke didn't check to see if Foggy was all right after Piranha's party.

“I can’t believe you didn’t come back and check on me.” Foggy says, annoyed. “I was busy! Trying to protect Piranha!” Luke defends himself. “I got shot! I was bleeding out, waiting for you to come back!” Foggy snaps. “I thought we were friends...” “Foggy-“ Luke tries but the lawyer has already hung up. Dammit, why didn’t he check on him?


	4. Sweet Disaster

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Danny would wear any Luke merchandise, let’s be real.

Danny walks into the precinct wearing a hoodie that says ‘Sweet Sister’. He begins to question people about Luke’s whereabouts. Misty spots him from one of the rooms. “What the hell is he wearing?” She asks Luke incredulously. “Don’t ask.” Luke sighs and quickly ducks out of Danny’s line of vision.


	5. Find My Friend (?)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Luke, don’t you know he’s fragile?

Luke is walking down the street when he spots Danny coming right towards him. “Again?” He asks with an exasperated sigh. “Dude, how do you keep finding me?” Danny smiles at him. “It’s like I told you before, I use the app.” “Well, quit that.” Luke scolds. “I don’t like the idea of you tracking my every move.” “Why not?” Danny asks now looking hurt. Luke resists the urge to roll his eyes. “It’s creepy, man, that’s why.” He answers. “Oh.” Danny says and then he is silent. After a long time of awkward silence, Danny speaks. “I’ll go.” He states sounding strained as he briskly begins to walk away from Luke. “Oh shit- no, hold on, Danny!” Luke tries to patch things up quickly but it is too late. Danny blinks away tears as Luke hopelessly calls his name.


	6. Yeah, You’re Totally Not Obsessed, Dude

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jessica knows what’s up.

Jessica and Danny are at a bar together for whatever reason. “What are you doing?” Jessica asks looking over Danny’s shoulder. “I’m using the Find My Hero app to find Luke.” Danny answers innocently. “You’re using what?” Jessica questions confused. “It’s an app that tracks supers in your area. I use it all the time.” Danny replies. “All the time you say?” Jessica raises an eyebrow. “To find Luke?” Now it is Danny’s turn to be confused, there is something about her reaction that puts him off. “Yeah why?” He asks but Jessica gives no answer, she just drains her glass. “Why?!” He asks again but Jessica still gives no answer, she only smirks.


	7. Bulletproof By Association

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Luke’s friends must think they’re bulletproof too sometimes. I mean, how can you not?

Luke and Danny are fighting several armed gunmen. A bunch more bust through the doors and start to aim their machines guns at the two superheroes. Danny immediately rushes forward as the bullets start flying at him. A bullet grazes his arm and the others miss him just as Luke jumps in front of him. “Danny, what the hell? What were you thinking? I’m the bulletproof one!” Luke snaps at him, in disbelief about his friends total lack of self awareness. “Oh right.” Danny says now only just realizing that he could have died. “I guess I’m so used to you being bulletproof, I thought I was too.” He admits sheepishly. Luke can only shake his head and wonder how Danny survived this long.


	8. The Immortal Iron Idiot

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dude, please stop talking.

While at Harlem’s Paradise, Shades stands on the balcony while Luke and Danny stand below. “Do you know who I am?” Danny asks threateningly. “I’m-“ “I know who you are. Everyone here does. You’re Danny Rand.” Shades cuts him off quickly and smoothly. “No, I mean, I’m the Immortal Iron Fist.” Danny finishes. “The Immortal Iron Idiot, you say?” Shades smirks. “Sounds like an appropriate title to me.” Danny’s face flushes in embarrassment and anger. “I- I fought a dragon!” He cries out flustered. “Seriously?” Shades asks with a laugh and all of his crew starts laughing. “It’s true!” Danny protests upset at being mocked. “Dude, please stop talking.” Luke groans in embarrassment, his head in his hands. The two of them are laughed out of Harlem’s Paradise. Now Luke won’t be able to look Shades in the eyes again.


	9. Zoo Blues

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I’m honestly loving the snake theme.

Luke and Danny are visiting a zoo, more specifically a reptile exhibit. Danny watches Luke pass by the snakes with a look of disdain. “Not a fan?” he asks earnestly. “Just not a huge fan of them lately, especially those three.” Luke gestures to some snakes and Danny draws closer to read the names. The first one says it’s a Cottonmouth, the second, a Diamondback and the third, a Bushmaster. “Oh... I get it.” Danny says while Luke nods. “But I still think they’re cool, they remind me of dragons, you know?” “Ugh, you with the dragons, man.” Luke shakes his head. “It’s cool, we can go look at something else. Like, uh, the tigers?” Danny suggests. “I’d like that much better.” Luke says, it seems that all three snakes are watching him. The Cottonmouth flicks its tongue.


	10. Contacts

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You know that one scene where Luke takes that guy’s phone and scrolls through the contacts until he sees Bushmaster’s name? We were a little confused for a sec and thought that Luke just had Bushmaster as a contact on his phone.

“Where should we go next?” Danny asks, excitedly. “Hold on, gimme a sec, gotta call someone.” Luke says as he flips through the contacts on his phone. He finally gets to the one he wants and clicks on it. The first time, they won’t pick up, the second time, he calls, they do. 

Shades is doing something illegal when his phone rings but it’s an unknown number so he lets it ring. But then it rings again so he picks it up, slightly annoyed. “Look, I think you’ve got the wrong number-“ he starts off, only to be interrupted. “No, I’ve got the right damn number, Shades.” Luke growls into the phone. “Lucas?” Shades asks, startled. “How’d you-?” “Get your number? Doesn’t matter.” Luke says but then doesn’t let Shades get a word in edgewise. “What matters is that I’m trying to have a nice day with my friend here and I don’t want it to be interrupted by having to deal with any of your illegal shit.” “......” Shades doesn’t say anything. “So here’s a question for you, are you doing anything illegal right now?” Luke asks and there’s a pause on the other end before there’s an answer. “.... No, I’m not.” Shades lies as he looks at the definitely illegal stuff he’s doing right now. “Good.” Luke says and hangs up. 

“What was that about?” Danny questions. “I just thought of where we’re gonna go next.” Luke states. “Really? Where?” Danny asks, curiously. “We’re gonna go and kick Shades’ ass.” Luke answers. “That bitch lied to me on the phone.” “Sweet! And I thought we were just gonna go to a museum or something, which would’ve been cool but this is better.” Danny says, agreeing with the plan wholeheartedly.


	11. Phone Numbers

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I bet he calls them to hang out all the time.

“You have all your enemies phone numbers?” Danny asks in surprise as he scrolls through Luke’s contacts. He sees Mariah, Shades (with a sunglasses emoji by the name), Cottonmouth (Luke can’t bring himself to erase it but the name does have a skull by it), Diamondback and finally, Bushmaster. “Yeah, don’t you?” Luke questions. “Ummm, no... Do they just give them to you?” Danny inquires. “I just find them out, it’s not that hard.” Luke shrugs. “Can I look through your other contacts? Where’s my name? Do I get an emoji?” Danny wonders but Luke snatches the phone back faster than lightning.


	12. Ball Buster

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bushmaster should’ve used this move.

Danny is fighting Bushmaster, he told Luke he could handle it. Their fighting style is mostly the same anyways, sort of a karate mixture. For the most part, he’s been dodging and matching Bushmaster’s attacks. “You’re not so-“ Danny starts cockily but a nasty smile has appeared on his opponent’s face and he soon finds out why as Bushmaster delivers a powerful kick to Danny’s crotch. Danny collapses in a heap, moaning as Bushmaster grins down at him and then runs off. He hadn’t been expecting that move. He can see stars... 

“Danny, you all right?” Luke asks as he helps his friend to his feet. “I think he obliterated my balls...” Danny moans, leaning heavily on Luke. “Well you’ve got money, you can always buy some new ones.” Luke jokes but Danny doesn’t find it very funny.


	13. Harlem’s Hell

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hell is real and Danny Rand is it.

Misty’s phone begins to ring. “Hello? Luke, what is it?” She asks concerned. “Uh- um-“ Luke begins awkwardly but he can’t seem to say anything properly. “I don’t have all day, come on.” She says impatiently. “Ok, well, do you, uh, know how exactly I can go about getting a restraining order?” Luke questions sounding embarrassed. “A restraining order? For who?” Misty wonders and she’s confused as to why Luke can’t handle whoever it is on his own. The line is silent for a few moments, then Luke bursts out, “It’s Danny! Ever since he found out I own the club, he won’t leave! He’s there every day, Misty! Every goddamn day! I can’t take much more of it!” He breaks down into sobs. Misty freezes, she knows that anything concerning Danny won’t have an easy outcome. “As much as I would love to help you-“ Misty begins quickly. “I think this is an issue you guys need to resolve personally. Bye.” She hangs up before she gets dragged any further into that mess.

“No!!!” Luke cries as the line goes dead. Sugar comes into his office, a look of sympathy on his face. “He’s here again, Luke.” He says. “Tell him I’m not here.” Luke tells him pleadingly. “That won’t work, he saw you.” Sugar answers awkwardly. Just then Danny walks through the door with a great big smile on his face. Luke’s last thought before he passes out is: is this what hell is like?


	14. Direct Hit

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I thought she was gonna do it.

Shades asks for some water so Misty goes out and gets it for him. She paces around and decides her next plan of action before returning to the interrogation room. When she enters, she lobs the bottle of water directly at Shades’ head as hard as she can. It hits him dead center with a dull smack and he topples off the chair, unconscious. Misty smirks over him, triumphantly, completely ignoring the shocked cries of “Misty!” from her coworkers.


	15. Disapproving Ghost

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cottonmouth is always watching.

Luke stands over the balcony of Harlem’s Paradise feeling very powerful indeed. Behind him, Cottonmouth’s ghost glowers, “How dare he stand where I stood, trying to copy my style and everything.” He’s noticed the way Cage is dressed, it’s very familiar. “Think you can ever get rid of me, Cage? I don’t think so.” The specter huffs and then joins Luke’s side at the balcony, to listen to the music. Luke feels a slight chill but dismisses it for something else. Tonight is a good night.


	16. Sometimes I Can Still Hear His Voice...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Luke and Danny reminisce about a friend.

“I miss Matt.” Danny sighs as he and Luke sit together at the bar at Harlem’s Paradise. “Yeah me too, man.” Luke says. “Sometimes I feel like he’s still with us, ya know?” He puts a comforting hand on Danny’s shoulder. “Yeah, it’s weird but I thought I saw him the other day...” Danny mentions, looking at Luke. Luke stares at him. “Hold on, I thought I saw him too, just a few days ago...” “Wait a minute...” Both of them say in unison, trying to put two and two together. Just then a glass falls to the floor, shattering, causing Danny and Luke to look in that direction. All they catch sight of is a guy hastily booking a retreat through the crowd. “You have got to be kidding me...!” Luke cries as they both rush after him. By the time they make it out onto the street, he’s gone, only leaving a single cane behind.


	17. Names Aren’t Everything

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shades, you’re on thin fucking ice.

Shades, Danny and Luke are fighting together. While fighting, Shades notices something. “Hey, how come despite being immortal you still hide behind Cage?” Shades questions. “Oh, I’m not immortal. Only the fist is.” Danny replies honestly. Shades stares at him. “But you’re the fist.” He cocks his head in confusion. “Yeah, I know but I’m not immortal, at least I don’t think so...” Danny trails off, thinking. “I’ll shoot you and let’s see if you can’t die.” Shades says, aiming his gun at Danny’s face. Luckily Luke steps in just in time before Danny can accept Shades’ offer. And by stepping in, he crushes Shades gun along with his hand.


	18. Punch Up

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Luke is honestly done and this team up needs some work.

Luke is working together with Shades and Bushmaster and to be honest, they’re irritating as hell. He pulls them aside for a quick little talk. “You know what the best thing about working together is?” he asks them. Bushmaster is silent but Shades offers, “The fact that we’re at peace?” “NO!” Luke snaps. “It’s literally nothing! The whole time I’m just having to babysit you two, I told you that you can’t kill anyone and yet you’ve been killing people. And on top of that, you’re going after each other. That seem like peace to you?” Shades shakes his head slowly while Bushmaster doesn’t seem to be paying attention. “Bushmaster-“ Luke addresses him just as the guy rushes off and kills an enemy that was lurking nearby. “Sweet Christmas...” 

Luke sees another enemy stalking behind them and sees Shades draw his gun but he fires at Bushmaster. It’s as if he thinks that Bushmaster will think it was the enemy that hit him. It would’ve worked if Bushmaster hadn’t turned around and seen Shades at the last minute. “Oh fuck!” Shades yelps and looks to Luke for help just as Bushmaster charges him. “You dug the hole.” Is all Luke has to say as Bushmaster takes Shades to the ground.


	19. Free Booze Or Bust

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jessica would get free alcohol from Harlem’s Paradise.

“Nice club.” Jessica comments as she and Luke enter Harlem’s Paradise. “So do I get free booze or what?” She motions to the bar. “Why is that the first thing you think of?” Luke asks laughingly, shaking his head. “Besides why would you get free booze?” “If I don’t get free booze, I’ll let Danny know what you really think of him coming here all the time.” Jessica says sweetly. Luke is silent as they stare each other down for a few seconds. “Fine! You get free booze.” He caves in and gives her the stink eye as she starts off by ordering the most expensive thing the place has to offer. Danny can never know the truth.


	20. Crazy Ass Stokes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shades honestly should have seen this coming.

Shades watches Cottonmouth beat a man to death and this makes him uneasy. The man has lost his damn mind, he has to get rid of him. 

He thinks it’s all great with Mariah until he watches her burn a man alive. Fucking hell, these Stokes are crazy, he has gotta get away from them.


	21. Cold As Ice

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shades looked like he was always gonna cry for the last half of the season.

“You shot up Pop’s barbershop, you piece of shit.” Luke snaps, he can’t believe that Shades has the nerve to be here right now. “You killed him.” “That wasn’t me, that was Tone, I was just there, watching...” Shades trails off as his voice begins to waver. “Yeah, right.” Luke says with a roll of his eyes before he notices something about Shades. “Are you... Are you crying?” he asks with disgust. “N-no... I-I mean yes...” Shades stammers tearfully. “Well knock it off, you’re making this even more awkward than it needs to be.” Luke remarks and backs away from Shades. “Cold as ice.” D.W. states in the background, sort of in awe.


	22. Empty Threats

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It’s dumb that Luke threatens to kill people because you know he won’t do it.

Shades comes in the back door of Pop’s again and nothing happens besides arguing. “You can’t just threaten to kill people and not do it. It’s lame and people won’t take you seriously, Lucas.” Shades says before leaving the barbershop. Luke and D.W. look after him incredulously. “Did he just basically give you permission to kill him?” D.W. asks scratching his head. “Dude is crazy as hell. What are you gonna do about him, Luke?” He questions but Luke already knows what he has to do. Shades is right, why bother saying something when you won’t act on it? Shades sees Luke coming after him on the street and the hero looks like he means business. Shades doesn’t think twice about running although he instantly regrets what he said to Luke earlier.


	23. Distraction Averted

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Luke is just so tired of it.

Luke and Danny are preparing to take on Bushmaster. Before anyone can even start throwing punches, Danny begins his whole spiel. “I am the Immortal Iron Fist, protector of-“ Luke cuts him off before he can finish. “Dude, we talked about this!” He exclaims in exasperation. “You don’t need to introduce yourself every time. It’s distracting and unnecessary.” Luke explains yet again to Danny. Both heroes then begin to squabble amongst themselves, completely ignoring their foe. Amused, Bushmaster takes the opportunity to blow paralyzing dust at them, leaving them to work out their differences for a bit.


	24. Thief

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cottonmouth really doesn’t have anything better to do, ya know, since he’s dead.

Cottonmouth has just become corporeal enough in his spirit form to become annoying. No one can see him but that’s a good thing. So far he’s been taking all of Shades’ sunglasses and placing them elsewhere. Mostly in the trash but sometimes with other people. He can see how visibly frustrated Shades is everyday when he can’t find them, when he should be able to since he has multiple pairs (he used to anyways). They’re expensive and Shades has to keep buying more and more only to lose them again. 

Cottonmouth lifts the last pair of sunglasses Shades has in his possession and wonders what to do with them. Until he spots Misty Knight coming into the club, she has a pair of sunglasses hanging from her collar and he takes hers and swaps Shades’ pair in their place. She doesn’t even notice and he tosses her pair in the trash. Now he just has to wait. 

Shades comes down from the balcony to greet Misty and does a quick double take when he sees what is hanging from her collar. Those sunglasses look awfully familiar... “Listen, I need to talk with Mariah-“ Misty starts. “Those sunglasses, where’d you get them?” Shades asks quickly. Misty is taken off guard by the question and looks down at them, only to see they aren’t hers. In fact they look like what Shades usually wears and his are noticeably absent today. “From the store, where else? Now where’s Mariah?” she replies calmly. “No, those are my sunglasses. And here I thought I’d just been misplacing them when it turns out you’ve been taking them.” Shades states, he sounds a little bit crazy. “Excuse me?” Misty questions, giving him a look. “Give them back, they’re mine and they’re expensive. Plus they don’t even look good on you.” Shades throws in a dig and reaches for the sunglasses. “You need to take a step back.” Misty orders and when he doesn’t, she decks him hard across the face with her metal arm. 

Cottonmouth watches as she puts on the shades and proceeds to pummel Shades. It went even better than he could’ve hoped.


	25. Iron Fist-ing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jessica slips up but she won’t admit it.

Jessica spots Danny at Harlem’s Paradise a lot. He’s there even more than she is and she gets free booze. “Dude, don’t you ever leave?” She asks finally after seeing Luke mouth ‘help me’ to her after Danny finally leaves him alone. “Shouldn’t you be off doing you things? Fisting or something?” Jessica blurts out before she can stop herself. “Fisting?” Danny repeats looking at her strangely. “Yeah, that.” The PI answers not about to lose face. Danny proceeds to stare her down but no one can beat Jessica in a stare down. So reluctantly, he breaks and retreats in shame to think about what Jessica said to him. Luke has been watching from his office the entire time and something tells him that Jessica only made things worse.


End file.
